<@Psychomax> man, I had the most fucked up dream last night <@thickfreakness> elaborate <@Psychomax> I was at lunch, and my roommate was asking people to read haftorah portions at his barmitzvah <@Psychomax> and he kept poking me to read it, even though I can't read hebrew that well <@Psychomax> but he said it was in English, so I said ok <@Psychomax> so he read us the haftorah portion, which was about human sacrifice and the story about someone raping his two daughters then being smote by god <@Psychomax> and everyone at the table was looking at him like "Wow this is the most fucked up torah portion ever" <@Psychomax> then he told us his torah portion <@Psychomax> his torah portion was a picture of a giant pirate ship and lots of smaller ships around it <@Psychomax> and above that was "You are stuck on a pirate ship. Try to escape using these vehicles. You must switch escape vessiles at least twice." <@Psychomax> so I looked at it and figured out how to escape using every single ship in the process <@Psychomax> So I looked to my roommate and said "wow, that was easy!" <@Psychomax> he looked at me back and said "Oh, good, because guess where we're going!" <@Psychomax> we were going to a pirate ship! <@Psychomax> the ship of the dreaded captain baldy * Cheezeitz is now known as Captain_Baldy YARRRR * Captain_Baldy is now known as Cheezeitz <@Psychomax> in an inland cove located directly inbetween a public beach, a board walk, and a water park <@Psychomax> hanging from the cliff behind it was an anchor that went from the top of the cliff to the ship deck, and it had some latin word written on it that meant "Danger!" or something <@Psychomax> idk because I can't read latin <@Psychomax> so we went to the beach to plan our infiltration <@Psychomax> and all of the sudden I was in a cage <@Psychomax> there were these two giant anthropomorphic pigs standing on either side of me, laughing <@Psychomax> one of them said "Whoever enters this place becomes property of the slave trade!" <@Psychomax> so I was hauled onto a stage, still inside the cage <@Psychomax> the audiance was made up entirely of pigs <@Psychomax> they all screamed prices at me, but then a voice rang out louder than all the others <@Psychomax> the only human in the audiance, captain baldy <@Psychomax> he dragged me in my cage to the cliffside, attached me to the anchor that was coiled up on the ground, and threw it over the edge of the cliff <@Psychomax> I stopped right above the deck of the pirate ship and captain baldy slid down the rope above me <@Psychomax> I looked out to the cliffside where we were looking at the ship earlier, and I saw my roommate and his friends standing there looking at me <@Psychomax> they opened up my cage and threw me to the ground <%Abjure> TORAH TORAH TORAH <@Psychomax> his crew was made up entirely of pigs, all laughing and saying "You stay here long enough and you'll become a pig, too! That's how evil our captain baldy is!" <@Psychomax> he yelled "Quiet you maggots! Listen up!" <@Psychomax> "I heard of a treasure today that's not too far off! We're going to go get it today, and break in the new slave, too!" <@Psychomax> the crew cheered and grabbed me by the arms <@Psychomax> "Here's the map! I know how much is in it, so if you come back with a single dubloon missing, I'll BBQ the lot of yeh!" <@Psychomax> the crew cheered again and ran off the ship <@Psychomax> through the crowded board walk <@Psychomax> and to the water park <@Psychomax> I looked at the map, and the treasure was inside a giant skull in the center of the park <@Psychomax> that spilled water on everyone below every half hour <@Psychomax> (holy shit I can't believe how much of this dream i'm remembering this is so cool :O" <@Psychomax> ) <@Psychomax> so we all waited in line and payed admission, then made our way through all the little kids and to the center of the park <@Psychomax> there was a giant playground that looked like a pirate ship, and the mast had the giant skull on the top <@Psychomax> i asked a little kid when the last time the skull overflowed was, but he just threw up and started crying <@Psychomax> the crew yelled to me "Hey, slave! Climb up the mast and grab the treasure!" <@Psychomax> "But I don't know when it's going to overflow again, it might knock me off!" <@Psychomax> "DO IT SWINE" and he kicked me in the back with his hoof <@Psychomax> so I took off my shirt and wrapped it around the mast <@Psychomax> then, using the shirt for friction, climbed it and made it to the skull <@Psychomax> the skull was filled with water, almost about to overflow, and there was a treasure chest and about 20 smaller bags of coins and jewels <@Psychomax> I thought for a bit; what if I just brought back the treasure chest and left the smaller bags for later? <@Psychomax> he said he knew how much was in the treasure, but was he bluffing? <@Psychomax> did he know about the smaller bags? <@Psychomax> would I care if he killed the other crew mates, as long as I was able to escape? <@Psychomax> "HURRY UP YOU MAGGOT" I heard from below <@Psychomax> I grabbed the one treasure chest and threw it down <@Psychomax> then headed back down <@Psychomax> the pigs immediately started rummaging through the chest and grabbing coins and jewelry for themselves <@Psychomax> then locked it up again and grabbed me by the collar <@Psychomax> (I forgot to mention I had a collar, it was actually really stylish) <@Psychomax> we left through the back entrance, ignoring a woman offering to give us a hand stamp <@Psychomax> and went back to the ship, where Captain Baldy was waiting for us <@Psychomax> he grabbed the chest as soon as we climbed aboard, and opened it up <@Psychomax> he didn't notice that most of it was missing, and congratulated us on a job well done <@Psychomax> He snickered at me and said "Guess who came by to try and rescue you while you were gone?" <@Psychomax> "My nemisis, Stefan the pirate hunter!" <@Psychomax> Stefan is my roommate, btw <@Psychomax> "If I'd known you were in cahoots with him, I would have lynched ya the minute I laid eyes on ya!" <@Psychomax> "But instead of just killing ye outright, lets make this interesting" <@Psychomax> He threw me under the deck, and the camera panned out so I was looking at myself <@Psychomax> rocks started falling from above, one by one, and I had to prevent myself from being crushed <@Psychomax> luckily the rocks were sticky like putty, so I was able to build a dome over me to protect myself <@Psychomax> after a bit of the puzzle game, the view shifted to Captain Baldy and some of his crewmates <@Psychomax> Captain Baldy had the treasure chest and said "Since I'm killing the last slave I bought, I'm going to go buy another one" <@Psychomax> "What name do you want me to register him under?" <@Psychomax> one of the pigs squeeled "Oh, me! Register him under my name, James!" <@Psychomax> "Well, ok," captan baldy said <@Psychomax> "HAHA! NOT! It's going under the name 'Baldy,' same as always! You moron! Hahaha!" <@Psychomax> he filled out the paperwork under the name Baldy and walked away <@Psychomax> one of his crewmates said behind his back "I'll bet that paper's made out of pig skin" <@Psychomax> then the scene tried to fade to black, but it froze up for a bit which was kind of wierd <@Psychomax> although it has no bearing on the overall story did you blow into the cart? that would've fixed it <@Psychomax> So then captain baldy climbed up the anchor with the treasure chest in one arm and the anchor in the other <@Psychomax> and when he got to the top he folded a little pirate flag over the anchor so it was next to the latin word <@Psychomax> then he headed over to the beach <@Psychomax> meanwhile, back on the ship, I was struggeling to keep out of all the rocks <@Psychomax> I was looking for a way to escape, but there was none <%Abjure> :I <@Psychomax> just then, I heard a voice and sword fighting <@Psychomax> Stefan had come to save me! <@Psychomax> he opened up the top of the deck and shouted "don't worry, hombre! I'll get you out of this mess!" <@Psychomax> then he closed the hatch and walked away <@Psychomax> leaving me to be crushed under the rocks <@Psychomax> "HEY YOU ASSHOLE COME BACK HERE" <%Abjure> hombre... <@Psychomax> the hatch opened again, but this time it was Captain Baldy <@Psychomax> yeah, he's mexican <@Psychomax> and catholic <@Psychomax> anyways, Captain Baldy said "Argh, you're not dead yet?? Well lets see how you like this!" <%Abjure> go figure <%Abjure> a catholic mexican <@Psychomax> he put a roll of ducktape next to me and pulled a piece of tape so it stuck to another piece of tape that was already attached to me <@Psychomax> "As soon as fire hits this tape, it'll blow up to the top of this cove! HAHAHA" <@Psychomax> and he left agian <@Psychomax> ok, quick explaination <@Psychomax> I wasn't entirely honest about the anatomy of the ship <@Psychomax> but I didn't know how to explain it, so I just said he threw me under the deck <@Psychomax> but now I realize that it's important to the story, so I'll try to explain it now <@Psychomax> The deck kind of dipped down a bit at the middle <@Psychomax> and at the bottom of the dip, there was a square indentation <@Psychomax> that's where I was <@Psychomax> and above that was a board that didn't cover up the entire hole <@Psychomax> so I could see the deck the entire time, and I could hear what was going on and such <@Psychomax> and the rocks that were falling were coming from the sky on either side of the board above me <@Psychomax> Anyways <@Psychomax> so I could see Captain Baldy and Stefan sword fighting <@Psychomax> and I could see the rest of the crew in an utter panic <@Psychomax> then one of the pig crew came up to me with a bundle of fuse saying "Hehehe, once fire touches this tape you'll explode!" <@Psychomax> but he was struggling with the fuse because of his hooves <@Psychomax> so I said "hey, maybe I could help you out with that" <@Psychomax> "No, I'm not stupid! You're trying to trick me!" <@Psychomax> "no, really, I'll help you out. I feel kind of sorry for you." <@Psychomax> "Well, ok. Here." <@Psychomax> so I took the fuse and I attached it to the roll of duct tape <@Psychomax> I handed the coil back to him and he thanked me for my kindness, then lit the fuse to kill me <@Psychomax> but when the fuse got near the roll of tape, it bent around back towards the pig crewmate <@Psychomax> where it attached to another roll of tape at his hip <@Psychomax> "CURSE YOOOOOOOU!!!!!" he screamed as the tape blew up, leaving him flying through the sky, and a sizeable dent in the ship for me to escape thorugh <@Psychomax> I looked at the roll of duct tape to see if there was any left that I could use <@Psychomax> and saw that only the outside of the roll was actually tape <@Psychomax> the inside of it was composed entirely of money <@Psychomax> I took the roll of tape, peeled off the outer layer, and saw $100, $1, $20, and even $1320 bills, wrapped up in a roll <@Psychomax> I grabbed the money and tried to make it through the fighting without anyone noticing, but one of the pig crew members noticed me <@Psychomax> "Hey, man, is that money! Come on you've got to give me some!" <@Psychomax> "No way, this is mine!" <@Psychomax> "NO COME ON PLEASE WHO WAS NICEST TO YOU WHEN WE WERE GOING TO GET THE TREASURE I NEVER KICKED YOU OR ANYTHING I ALWAYS TRIED TO BE NICE YOU CAN'T JUST BLOW ME OFF LIKE THIS AND NOT EVEN GIVE ME A LITTLE BIT OF MONEY COME ON" <@Psychomax> "OK FINE!" <@Psychomax> I handed him half of the roll (the half made up mostly out of $1 and $5 bills) <@Psychomax> and stuffed the other half into my back pocket <@Psychomax> the pig pirate wandered into the middle of the battlefield with the money, and everyone else stopped fighting when they saw him <@Psychomax> they looked around the ship and noticed that money was shoved into every corner of the ship <@Psychomax> they dropped their weapons and screamed "MONEY" <@Psychomax> then ran to the corners trying to grab as much as they could <@Psychomax> Captain Baldy started screaming and lobbing off heads, trying to protect his booty <@Psychomax> and I got off the ship and went to the boardwalk to escape the bloodshed <@Psychomax> i figured "Hey, I might as well go back to the water park and grab the rest of that treasure, rather than risk getting killed" <@Psychomax> so I went to the back entrance of the water park where the fat handstamp lady was sitting <@Psychomax> I tried walking in, but she said "hey! what do you think you're doing, kid? You can't come in through here!" <@Psychomax> "No, I was just here, remember? I was with all the pig pirates?" <@Psychomax> she started laughing really obnoxiously and said "Well I don't remember you! You should have gotten your hand stamped!" <@Psychomax> I said "fuck it" and headed back to the ship <@Psychomax> on my way down the board walk, this little kid kept coming up to me and getting in front of me saying "Do you want some ABC gum?" <@Psychomax> "no" <@Psychomax> "Hey, mister, do you want some ABC gum?" <@Psychomax> "no, get out of my way" <@Psychomax> "Hey, hey, hey, have some ABC gum!" <@Psychomax> and he was shoving it in my face, trying to get it into my mouth <@Psychomax> I yelled "NO, it's Already Been Chewed! Get the fuck out of here!" <@Psychomax> he giggled and ran away <@Psychomax> he'd impeded my progress towards the ship a lot, so when I got back most of the money was taken and most of the crew was dead <@Psychomax> I looked up at the top of the cove and saw at the top of the cliff, in an indentation right below the top, there were a fuckload of treasude chests <@Psychomax> Captain Baldy and Stefan were climbing the anchor, trying to get to them first <@Psychomax> I decided to find a method of escape while I was waiting for Stefan to get back, so I grabbed a submarine <@Psychomax> I looked up at the anchor, and stefan was reaching out to touch the treasure chests <@Psychomax> Captain Baldy had his sword out, and was about to cut the rope above Stefan and himself, sending them both to their deaths <@Psychomax> but before he could <@Psychomax> Stefan got a cell phone call and started talking really loudly into his cell phone <@Psychomax> and I woke up <@Psychomax> THE END